how to become a famous blogger!

chinese church

i think mervin would say: “Fail Blog!!!”

Signs outside church

1. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARK – FOR MEMBERS ONLY,TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!
That took care of the problem!

2. “No God – No Peace? Know God – Know Peace.”

3. “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”

4. “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”

5. “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”

7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

8. “People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”

9. “Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”

10. “How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?”

11. “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”

12. “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”

13. “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”

14. “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”

15. “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”

16. “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

17. “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”

18. “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —– (U R)

19. “In the dark? Follow the Son.”

20. “Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.”

21. “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

if xerox made toasters…

If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you

drink from the river

just a little something to put a smile on your face. (got this in am email from a member of our church!)

The preacher says:

‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the
river.’

The congregation cried, ‘Amen!’

‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in
the river.’

And the congregation cried, ‘Amen!’

‘And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I’d take it all
and throw it in the river.’

Again the congregation cried, ‘Amen!’

The Preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: ‘For our closing hymn, let’s turn to
page 126 of our hymn books and sing:

‘We shall drink from that River.’

The congregation screamed ‘HALLELUYAAAAAA’.

numerology in singlish

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away. 

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don’t understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1.

actual headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

desperate prayer

A young man went into a drugstore to buy 3 boxes of chocolate: small, medium, and large. When the pharmacist asked him about the three boxes, he said, “Well, I’m going over to a new girlfriend’s house for supper. Then we’re going out. If she only lets me hold her hand, then I’ll give her the small box. If she lets me kiss her on the cheek, then I’ll give her the medium box. But if she really lets me smooch seriously, I’ll give her the big box.” He made his purchase and left.

That evening as he sat down at dinner with his girlfriend’s family, he asked if he could say the prayer before the meal. He began to pray, and he prayed an earnest, intense prayer that lasted for almost five minutes. When he finished his girlfriend said, “You never told me you were such a religious person.” He said, “And you never told me your dad was a pharmacist!”

21 Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away …

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy …

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

{from jonathanmacdonald.com}

Australian’s lose camouflaged vehicle!!

 

 

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